31 March, 2011

The Daily Persiflage - The Price is Right for Alex Reid

In an inevitable culmination of months of pining, Alex Reid and Katie Price have (finally!) declared they are still in love. Meteorologists have been predicting the reunion of these star-crossed lovers for months now, and the nation has collectively exhaled a sigh of relief. Commemorative plates have been flying of shelves across the nation. Subsequently, these plates were recalled and paranormal experts were called in to investigate the cause of china moving of its own volition.

Shouts of “Prince William who?” and “Katie when?” and “What time is it?” could be heard echoing across London’s night sky as the fickle public fell in love with this adorable pair all over again. Agitated reporters camped for months outside Katie’s Hackney bedsit, desperately yearning for a glimpse of the handsome Alex Reid. Their camping and eventual cannibalism was all in vain however, as news unexpectedly broke on Twitter.

Katie Price, in a rare tweet, said “OMG! ME AND ALEX TOGETHER AGAIN (again)! btw just a coincidence that he has been topping popularity polls in Cambodia and Greenland ;)”. Alex Reid responded by posting a heavily photoshopped picture of his genitals, which was quickly followed by a post saying “ROFL! Can’t believe I just accidently posted this online!!! :D :D #thesun #thedailymirror #newsoftheworld #horsesandhounds #Bratzmagazine”. Both posts remained up for several hours.

When pressed, Harvey Price interrupted his game of ping-pong with Gary Glitter to give the following statement: “My, what a fortuitous eve to hear such wondrous news! Bountiful gifts of knowledge such as these were most unbeknownst to me. If I were to dance a merry jig ‘pon heaven itself, ‘twould aptly sum up my heart’s glory”. Junior and Princess are currently on bail and as such are unavailable to comment.

27 March, 2011

PREVIEW - 5 Overrated Famous Diaries

Diaries are a medium of communication used by all sorts of people across the globe, from young girls to... well, no, that’s pretty much it. I’m not saying that guys can’t write diaries, but if you do, it’s probably time you sat your parents down and told them the truth.

Some diaries manage to achieve the equivalent of celebrity status in the literary world. But why? How do they differ from your pathos evoking attempts to document your mundane life. This answer is: they don’t.

5. Adolph Hitler

It is hard to even mention the name Hitler without being branded an inconsiderate scumbag or a racist bigot (Thanks, mum) and so one must tread very carefully. Others, however, feel no pity, which has lead to the the creation of the most inappropriate portmanteaus in human history. ‘Lolocaust’ is one, ‘Lmaoschwitz’ another. Personally I don’t approve of such crass juxtapositions, as they really make me feel outside of Mein Kampfort zone...

...which leads me nicely on to the next diary on the list. Can you guess what it is yet? Yup, Hitler wrote an autobiography / account of his political ideologies whilst in prison for his part in the Beer Hall Putsch, which sounds more like a barn-stomping line dance than a heinous crime. Well, Hitler didn’t actually write it himself, he dictated (should have seen that one coming) to a friend who was allowed to stay with him in prison. This was just one of the many luxuries Hitler was granted including unrestricted visits from guests and his dog, his own clothes to wear, and countless gifts. All this from a man who had the audacity to name his book ‘My Struggle’.

Hitler needed someone to write for him because he didn’t really have a way with words. He wanted to call his book ‘Viereinhalb Jahre (des Kampfes) gegen Lüge, Dummheit und Feigheit’, which doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. And let’s take a look at a classic quote from Hitler himself:

“The personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Jew.”

Now I don't really need to point out that the above quote sounds like something straight out of Mr. Sagdiyev’s mouth. Furthermore, an experienced newspaper editor called the book “a boring tome that I have never been able to finish” and also said Hitler’s beliefs are “little more than commonplace cliches”.

What? How could anyone be so nonchalant when discussing Hitler’s theories of Ubermenschen and an Aryan Race? You would have to be, like, the heartless creator of fascism or something!

Oh wait, that was Benito Mussolini, the heartless creator of fascism.


The rest of this article will be available on the website. Stay Tuned.

PREVIEW - 5 Unexplained Mysteries

It would be naive to suggest that we humans could ever have a full understanding of our universe as there is always something new and unpredictable just around the corner. For example, Bill Gates suggested that no one would ever need more than 64kB of data. Oh, how we laughed when we realised all our wants and needs couldn't be contained within two small Word documents.

However, when things start to delve into the world of science fiction, our blood begins to boil like a delicious plasmic soup. Below, I have compiled a list of the most horrifying of events that to this day remain unexplained. Have a spare pair of underpants at the ready...

5. Hopkinsville Goblins

The case of the Hopkinsville Goblins is regarded as one of the most significant and well documented cases in the history of ufology, and to this day many ufo investigators and sceptics are stumped by it. It is all the more impressive due to the fact that there are dozens of witnesses to the event, including police officers and state troopers, and similar events were experienced throughout North America, and even in Wales.

In August, 1955 in Kentucky, the Calloway family were visiting the Suttons in their rural farmhouse, and strange lights and saucer-shaped objects were seen in the sky. The families tried to remain calm, dismissing it as a vivid shooting star until strange noises were heard outside and their dog began a-whimpering. Two men, Billy Ray Taylor and Elmer “lucky” Sutton (inappropriate nickname, given the circumstances), went outside with their rifles before witnessing “luminous, three-and-a-half-foot-tall beings with oversized heads, big, floppy, pointed ears, glowing eyes, and hands with talons at their ends” emerging from the trees. They appeared to float and steer with their arms as their legs were thin and weak. When it began to approach the house with its hands raised, the men took this as threatening behaviour and began shooting at the creature.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I thought putting your arms up was the international (if not interstellar) symbol for peace. And furthermore, these aliens presumably have more advanced technology than us as they managed to travel many light years to earth, so the last thing I would want to do is fuck with them.

Upon shooting them, which sounded like striking metal, the creatures fled and the men followed, only to be accosted by an alien hiding above their porch and grasping at their hair. At this stage, the men decided they’d had enough terror for one night, so both families held up inside the house. The creatures then began to pop up at different windows around the house in what was described as ‘a playful manner’, yet they were shot at anyway. I like to imagine this played out much like an extra-terrestrial version of Whack-a-Mole.

After presumably running out of credits for this hilariously frightening arcade game, they fled to the police station, where they were deemed sane, drug-free, ‘not the type to cause a fuss’ and ‘frightened beyond comprehension’. The police also witnessed weird lights in the sky and a green glow in a forest. The creatures left before dawn.

Sceptics struggle to criticise this story, claiming all they saw was ‘a monkey painted in silver that had escaped from the circus’ or maybe a Great Horned Owl, which to me, just looks like an owl...

All I can say is: “Watch the Skies, man!”


The rest of this article will be available on the website. Stay Tuned.

23 March, 2011

Who Am I?

It would appear naive to suggest that my whole life can be chronicled in one blog post, but this slight annoyance was quickly replaced with crushing disappointment once I realised it was entirely possible.

I was born at a very early age and I used to play video games, cry, and soil myself. Today, things aren't much different. One of the first games I played was Duck Hunt on the NES, which was accompanied by a garish orange gun. Whilst I personally think this gun lacked the subtlety and camouflage needed for a 'Hunt', it appeared to have no bearing on the success of said Hunt as the ducks seemed to fly slowly through the sky at regular intervals without me even needing to move.

These days I tend to play games that, unlike Duck Hunt, require skill or make sense, or I frequent the local nickelodeon for Orange Wednesdays because, hey, who can't resist a good bargain. Somehow, my brother and I also find time to put our intellect and wit to good use in the form of lists, articles, and reviews designed to stimulate your cranial taste buds, writing about anything and everything that intrigues us.

So please (pretty please), spend some time to look around. Who knows what you might find?

22 March, 2011

A little about me

Well, this is more like a big "about me".

I think the above sentence concisely and depressingly sums up my sense of humour. If wit could be compared to a razor-sharp rapier, I think you may be able to compare me to a blunt club, fashioned out of dried mud and children's tears.

This website was set up by my younger brother Nathan, who has fancied himself as a bit of a Mark Zuckerberg character ever since his girlfriend told him to watch The Social Network, and insisted it was good. Nathan, being the jellied eel that he is, agreed with her point of view with the excitement and fervor befitting to a ADHD-suffering puppy overdosing on sugar and rainbows. He doesn't know I am updating this blog without his go-ahead, so marvel at this literary Adonis while you can. Before it gets swiftly and unceremoniously deleted. Along with my dreams of actually being funny.

If Nathan is Mark Zuckerberg, I suppose I would be the guy who doesn't do much unless he's told to, and then tries to take all the credit and money. I can't remember his name, but he was also dashingly handsome.

My job on this website is primarily as a writer, and editor. I will be updating with reviews, stories, and awe-inspiring witticisms when instructed to by my slightly-overbearing but understandably-exasperated brother.

Unless, god forbid, that I actually do something by myself without being coerced or duped into doing something productive with my life.

Oh shit, wait.