21 April, 2011

Dear Friends!

Apologies for the lack of new content recently, but Ctrl + R is moving in a whole new direction on the 3rd of May!

Mark the date in diary, or not, you know, if you don't have one.

Stay Tuned...

08 April, 2011


Thanks for visiting our website. We aim to please by writing humorously in a wide range of styles, including lists, articles, reviews, news satire, and more. Please use the tabs above to browse through our content, or just scroll down on the homepage for a delightfully long list of incessant ramblings. Please check back often to view our newest content or keep up-to-date with our facebook page or twitter:

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I hope you enjoy!

UPDATE - 5 Unexplained Mysteries

If you haven't already read it, begin by clicking the link below, then come back to this

5. The Hopkinsville Goblins

4. WOW! Signal

When making scientific discoveries, it is normal practise to apply Occam’s Razor; this says that one should always select the simplest hypothesis or the one that relies on the fewest new assumptions. If Occam’s Razor was applied to interpreting the WOW! Signal, it would prove the existence of aliens..

In the early 1960’s, The Big Ear Radio Observatory was built as part of the SETI project (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) and its job was to scan the skies all day and all night, and some poor soul has to read through all this data and see if anything unusual happened. And, for about 15 years, nothing did. 

Then, in August 1977, the signal ‘6EQUJ5’ was picked up. In a scale that usually ranges from 0 to 2 (where letters simply indicate the next number up; A=10, B=11, U=30), this was certainly out of the ordinary. It caused the discoverer, Dr. Jerry Ehman to write ‘Wow!’ in the margin where I may have instead written ‘OMGWTFBBQ?!?’

‘So what?’ I hear you ask, ‘It was probably just a plane or some dumb space rock.’

Perhaps, except the frequency that the signal came in at was 1420MHz. The exact same frequency as the oscillations of the hydrogen atom, and one with the fewest natural interferences. So, if an alien were to contact us, it seems this is a good frequency to transmit at. And because of this, it is an internationally banned frequency at which nothing is allowed to transmit. Hmmm.

Also, the region of space the signal came from is void of anything including satellites, aircrafts, planets, stars, etc and is technically considered to be ‘very fucking black indeed’. And the signal was transmitted at a very narrow bandwidth which means it is energy efficient as it will travel the farthest for the lowest cost. The signal only lasted for about 72 seconds and was never heard again. Even though they continued to search for it for many years until finally, the Observatory was demolished to make way for a golf course. Just goes to show how humankind values leisurely pasttimes over the search for greater understanding.

All these things are pretty overwhelming evidence in favour of alien contact; let’s just hope some scientists can debunk this myth so we can get on with feeling safe.

However, a brief search online will show you loads of papers in which scientists systematically and irrefutably dismiss all possible options, until being forced to consider the existence of ET, with sheepish remarks such as:

“I must conclude that an Extra -Terrestrial Intelligence might have sent the signal that we received as the Wow! source.”

Excuse me whilst I reach for my tin hat.

04 April, 2011

UPDATE - 5 Famous Overrated Diaries

If you haven't already read it, begin by clicking the link below, then come back to this

5. Adolph Hitler

4. Anne Frank

Let me start by making it clear that I don’t condone the Nazi’s treatment of the Jews in the mid-20th Century. In fact, I think everyone will agree that, in retrospect, it was perhaps a little bit over the top. I just want to you keep in mind that ALL Jews were in a similar situation at the time so why do the scribblings of this particular girl stand out?

For those of you that don’t know who Anne Frank is, she came in third place in the International Hide-n-Seek Championships shortly behind Madeleine McCann and Elizabeth Fritzl. She was a Dutch Jew who at the mere age of 13 was forced to go into hiding due to persecution from the Nazis. When we hear that she spent 2 years locked up in the ‘Secret Annexe’, our collective heart immediately bleeds for this young girl, incarcerated in cramped, squalid conditions. However, as it turns out, this prison was in fact the back half of a three story building, with bedrooms, a bathroom, and living areas. I bet those chaps form the beginning of Inglourious Basterds feel like they befriended the wrong Gentiles. 

Furthermore, it is worth noting that one of the other people she was in hiding with, was the young, handsome, and presumably hormone-filled Peter Van Pels, with whom she began a relationship. She did eventually cut off this romance after tiring of him which must have made things awkward in the Annexe. Moreover, given her present situation, beggars can’t be choosers, and young Anne wasn’t exactly a looker.

Ms Frank also aspired to be an author, and was known by her family to fastidiously edit and refine her diary as she fully intended to submit her work as part of a public record of the Dutch oppression. Since we can assume that Ms Frank had a lot of time on her hands, what with not being allowed to leave the confines of her new home and everything, one would have hoped that her diary would have ended up so word-perfect that people would be clambering over one another to publish that shit. Right?

Alas, it was not to be. Otto Frank, Anne’s Dad, gave the diary to a famed writer and historian who was unable to get to published. 5 years and several publication rejections later, it was released in Europe. However, it was not even released in England until 1952, where it finally got the recognition it deserved...

...By going out of print less than a year later due to lack of interest.

02 April, 2011

PREVIEW - 5 Places You Don't Want To Live In

The world is filled with inhospitable places that no man, woman or creature should ever have to live in. However, thanks to our natural human arrogance, we constantly strive to prove Mother Nature wrong. “Damn you and your incessant burning, Volcano, I just want to live in you” is the common cry of such people.

Some people are forced to live in horrible places, whilst others choose it. Here, I attempt to explain some of the reasons why you are much better off staying put in your cushty little house than seeking adventures elsewhere.

5. Space

Let me just make it clear that I don’t mean ‘living in space without a spacesuit’ or anything like that, else this article would be entitled ‘Places you don’t want to die in’ and the content would read “everywhere”.

The only reason why you may want to invest in extra-terrestrial real estate that I can see is to get away from noisy neighbours. Apart from that however, things aren’t great.

For example, for each earth day, there will be sixteen sunrises because you will travel round 16 times a day. I don’t know about you but personally I think one morning every day is already 3 too many. Not only that, but these mini-days will wreak havoc on your internal body clock causing dizziness, confusion, and tiredness. This is such an issue that windows on space shuttles are blacked out at night to allow a ‘normal’ sleep for the crew. A small plus, however, is that the lack of gravity may cause your partner to stop snoring, allowing you to catch up on the vast amounts of sleep you will inevitably miss.

On top of this, thanks to the lack of gravity, your muscles will begin to waste away, which would be a total catastrophe to all the rugby playing public school boys out there. Furthermore, food will begin to lose its taste until everything has the flavour and consistency of wet cardboard. And the fact that all food must come in paste form doesn’t really help either.

There are four fundamental forces in this universe, one of them being gravity. Unfortunately, after too much time in space, astronauts tend to forget that this force even exists. Upon coming back to earth, not only do they have to contend with the crushing pain in their legs and spines, but they must re-learn to interact with gravity again. It is somewhat depressing seeing their hope quickly turn to a sad realisation when they witness the item that they attempted to place in the air clatter to the ground.

There is also Space Adaptation Syndrome to be wary of. The fact that it has been identified as a ‘syndrome’ should be indication enough that this is some serious shit. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: feeling upside down (in a place where the word ‘down’ literally doesn’t mean anything); blinding flashes in your eyes (courtesy of the comfortingly named ‘Cosmic Radiation’); and forgetting where your own limbs are.

The final reason you should aim to keep your feet on terra firma is if you ever wished to vocally convey your pain or fear because, remember “in space, no one can hear you scream” and that must be true because it was in a film once.