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Dear Friends!

Apologies for the lack of new content recently, but Ctrl + R is moving in a whole new direction on the 3rd of May!

Mark the date in diary, or not, you know, if you don't have one.

Stay Tuned...

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Thanks for visiting our website. We aim to please by writing humorously in a wide range of styles, including lists, articles, reviews, news satire, and more. Please use the tabs above to browse through our content, or just scroll down on the homepage for a delightfully long list of incessant ramblings. Please check back often to view our newest content or keep up-to-date with our facebook page or twitter:

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UPDATE - 5 Unexplained Mysteries

If you haven't already read it, begin by clicking the link below, then come back to this

5. The Hopkinsville Goblins

4. WOW! Signal

When making scientific discoveries, it is normal practise to apply Occam’s Razor; this says that one should always select the simplest hypothesis or the one that relies on the fewest new assumptions. If Occam’s Razor was applied to interpreting the WOW! Signal, it would prove the existence of aliens..

In the early 1960’s, The Big Ear Radio Observatory was built as part of the SETI project (Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence) and its job was to scan the skies all day and all night, and some poor soul has to read through all this data and see if anything unusual happened. And, for about 15 years, nothing did. 

Then, in August 1977, the signal ‘6EQUJ5’ was picked up. In a scale that usually ranges from 0 to 2 (where letters simply indicate the next number up; A=10, B=11, U=30), this was certainly out of the ordinary. It caused the discoverer, Dr. Jerry Ehman to write ‘Wow!’ in the margin where I may have instead written ‘OMGWTFBBQ?!?’

‘So what?’ I hear you ask, ‘It was probably just a plane or some dumb space rock.’

Perhaps, except the frequency that the signal came in at was 1420MHz. The exact same frequency as the oscillations of the hydrogen atom, and one with the fewest natural interferences. So, if an alien were to contact us, it seems this is a good frequency to transmit at. And because of this, it is an internationally banned frequency at which nothing is allowed to transmit. Hmmm.

Also, the region of space the signal came from is void of anything including satellites, aircrafts, planets, stars, etc and is technically considered to be ‘very fucking black indeed’. And the signal was transmitted at a very narrow bandwidth which means it is energy efficient as it will travel the farthest for the lowest cost. The signal only lasted for about 72 seconds and was never heard again. Even though they continued to search for it for many years until finally, the Observatory was demolished to make way for a golf course. Just goes to show how humankind values leisurely pasttimes over the search for greater understanding.

All these things are pretty overwhelming evidence in favour of alien contact; let’s just hope some scientists can debunk this myth so we can get on with feeling safe.

However, a brief search online will show you loads of papers in which scientists systematically and irrefutably dismiss all possible options, until being forced to consider the existence of ET, with sheepish remarks such as:

“I must conclude that an Extra -Terrestrial Intelligence might have sent the signal that we received as the Wow! source.”

Excuse me whilst I reach for my tin hat.

UPDATE - 5 Famous Overrated Diaries

If you haven't already read it, begin by clicking the link below, then come back to this

5. Adolph Hitler

4. Anne Frank

Let me start by making it clear that I don’t condone the Nazi’s treatment of the Jews in the mid-20th Century. In fact, I think everyone will agree that, in retrospect, it was perhaps a little bit over the top. I just want to you keep in mind that ALL Jews were in a similar situation at the time so why do the scribblings of this particular girl stand out?

For those of you that don’t know who Anne Frank is, she came in third place in the International Hide-n-Seek Championships shortly behind Madeleine McCann and Elizabeth Fritzl. She was a Dutch Jew who at the mere age of 13 was forced to go into hiding due to persecution from the Nazis. When we hear that she spent 2 years locked up in the ‘Secret Annexe’, our collective heart immediately bleeds for this young girl, incarcerated in cramped, squalid conditions. However, as it turns out, this prison was in fact the back half of a three story building, with bedrooms, a bathroom, and living areas. I bet those chaps form the beginning of Inglourious Basterds feel like they befriended the wrong Gentiles. 

Furthermore, it is worth noting that one of the other people she was in hiding with, was the young, handsome, and presumably hormone-filled Peter Van Pels, with whom she began a relationship. She did eventually cut off this romance after tiring of him which must have made things awkward in the Annexe. Moreover, given her present situation, beggars can’t be choosers, and young Anne wasn’t exactly a looker.

Ms Frank also aspired to be an author, and was known by her family to fastidiously edit and refine her diary as she fully intended to submit her work as part of a public record of the Dutch oppression. Since we can assume that Ms Frank had a lot of time on her hands, what with not being allowed to leave the confines of her new home and everything, one would have hoped that her diary would have ended up so word-perfect that people would be clambering over one another to publish that shit. Right?

Alas, it was not to be. Otto Frank, Anne’s Dad, gave the diary to a famed writer and historian who was unable to get to published. 5 years and several publication rejections later, it was released in Europe. However, it was not even released in England until 1952, where it finally got the recognition it deserved...

...By going out of print less than a year later due to lack of interest.

PREVIEW - 5 Places You Don't Want To Live In

The world is filled with inhospitable places that no man, woman or creature should ever have to live in. However, thanks to our natural human arrogance, we constantly strive to prove Mother Nature wrong. “Damn you and your incessant burning, Volcano, I just want to live in you” is the common cry of such people.

Some people are forced to live in horrible places, whilst others choose it. Here, I attempt to explain some of the reasons why you are much better off staying put in your cushty little house than seeking adventures elsewhere.

5. Space

Let me just make it clear that I don’t mean ‘living in space without a spacesuit’ or anything like that, else this article would be entitled ‘Places you don’t want to die in’ and the content would read “everywhere”.

The only reason why you may want to invest in extra-terrestrial real estate that I can see is to get away from noisy neighbours. Apart from that however, things aren’t great.

For example, for each earth day, there will be sixteen sunrises because you will travel round 16 times a day. I don’t know about you but personally I think one morning every day is already 3 too many. Not only that, but these mini-days will wreak havoc on your internal body clock causing dizziness, confusion, and tiredness. This is such an issue that windows on space shuttles are blacked out at night to allow a ‘normal’ sleep for the crew. A small plus, however, is that the lack of gravity may cause your partner to stop snoring, allowing you to catch up on the vast amounts of sleep you will inevitably miss.

On top of this, thanks to the lack of gravity, your muscles will begin to waste away, which would be a total catastrophe to all the rugby playing public school boys out there. Furthermore, food will begin to lose its taste until everything has the flavour and consistency of wet cardboard. And the fact that all food must come in paste form doesn’t really help either.

There are four fundamental forces in this universe, one of them being gravity. Unfortunately, after too much time in space, astronauts tend to forget that this force even exists. Upon coming back to earth, not only do they have to contend with the crushing pain in their legs and spines, but they must re-learn to interact with gravity again. It is somewhat depressing seeing their hope quickly turn to a sad realisation when they witness the item that they attempted to place in the air clatter to the ground.

There is also Space Adaptation Syndrome to be wary of. The fact that it has been identified as a ‘syndrome’ should be indication enough that this is some serious shit. Symptoms include, but are not limited to: feeling upside down (in a place where the word ‘down’ literally doesn’t mean anything); blinding flashes in your eyes (courtesy of the comfortingly named ‘Cosmic Radiation’); and forgetting where your own limbs are.

The final reason you should aim to keep your feet on terra firma is if you ever wished to vocally convey your pain or fear because, remember “in space, no one can hear you scream” and that must be true because it was in a film once.

The Daily Persiflage - The Price is Right for Alex Reid

In an inevitable culmination of months of pining, Alex Reid and Katie Price have (finally!) declared they are still in love. Meteorologists have been predicting the reunion of these star-crossed lovers for months now, and the nation has collectively exhaled a sigh of relief. Commemorative plates have been flying of shelves across the nation. Subsequently, these plates were recalled and paranormal experts were called in to investigate the cause of china moving of its own volition.

Shouts of “Prince William who?” and “Katie when?” and “What time is it?” could be heard echoing across London’s night sky as the fickle public fell in love with this adorable pair all over again. Agitated reporters camped for months outside Katie’s Hackney bedsit, desperately yearning for a glimpse of the handsome Alex Reid. Their camping and eventual cannibalism was all in vain however, as news unexpectedly broke on Twitter.

Katie Price, in a rare tweet, said “OMG! ME AND ALEX TOGETHER AGAIN (again)! btw just a coincidence that he has been topping popularity polls in Cambodia and Greenland ;)”. Alex Reid responded by posting a heavily photoshopped picture of his genitals, which was quickly followed by a post saying “ROFL! Can’t believe I just accidently posted this online!!! :D :D #thesun #thedailymirror #newsoftheworld #horsesandhounds #Bratzmagazine”. Both posts remained up for several hours.

When pressed, Harvey Price interrupted his game of ping-pong with Gary Glitter to give the following statement: “My, what a fortuitous eve to hear such wondrous news! Bountiful gifts of knowledge such as these were most unbeknownst to me. If I were to dance a merry jig ‘pon heaven itself, ‘twould aptly sum up my heart’s glory”. Junior and Princess are currently on bail and as such are unavailable to comment.

PREVIEW - 5 Overrated Famous Diaries

Diaries are a medium of communication used by all sorts of people across the globe, from young girls to... well, no, that’s pretty much it. I’m not saying that guys can’t write diaries, but if you do, it’s probably time you sat your parents down and told them the truth.

Some diaries manage to achieve the equivalent of celebrity status in the literary world. But why? How do they differ from your pathos evoking attempts to document your mundane life. This answer is: they don’t.

5. Adolph Hitler

It is hard to even mention the name Hitler without being branded an inconsiderate scumbag or a racist bigot (Thanks, mum) and so one must tread very carefully. Others, however, feel no pity, which has lead to the the creation of the most inappropriate portmanteaus in human history. ‘Lolocaust’ is one, ‘Lmaoschwitz’ another. Personally I don’t approve of such crass juxtapositions, as they really make me feel outside of Mein Kampfort zone...

...which leads me nicely on to the next diary on the list. Can you guess what it is yet? Yup, Hitler wrote an autobiography / account of his political ideologies whilst in prison for his part in the Beer Hall Putsch, which sounds more like a barn-stomping line dance than a heinous crime. Well, Hitler didn’t actually write it himself, he dictated (should have seen that one coming) to a friend who was allowed to stay with him in prison. This was just one of the many luxuries Hitler was granted including unrestricted visits from guests and his dog, his own clothes to wear, and countless gifts. All this from a man who had the audacity to name his book ‘My Struggle’.

Hitler needed someone to write for him because he didn’t really have a way with words. He wanted to call his book ‘Viereinhalb Jahre (des Kampfes) gegen Lüge, Dummheit und Feigheit’, which doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. And let’s take a look at a classic quote from Hitler himself:

“The personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Jew.”

Now I don't really need to point out that the above quote sounds like something straight out of Mr. Sagdiyev’s mouth. Furthermore, an experienced newspaper editor called the book “a boring tome that I have never been able to finish” and also said Hitler’s beliefs are “little more than commonplace cliches”.

What? How could anyone be so nonchalant when discussing Hitler’s theories of Ubermenschen and an Aryan Race? You would have to be, like, the heartless creator of fascism or something!

Oh wait, that was Benito Mussolini, the heartless creator of fascism.

...

The rest of this article will be available on the website. Stay Tuned.

PREVIEW - 5 Unexplained Mysteries

It would be naive to suggest that we humans could ever have a full understanding of our universe as there is always something new and unpredictable just around the corner. For example, Bill Gates suggested that no one would ever need more than 64kB of data. Oh, how we laughed when we realised all our wants and needs couldn't be contained within two small Word documents.

However, when things start to delve into the world of science fiction, our blood begins to boil like a delicious plasmic soup. Below, I have compiled a list of the most horrifying of events that to this day remain unexplained. Have a spare pair of underpants at the ready...

5. Hopkinsville Goblins

The case of the Hopkinsville Goblins is regarded as one of the most significant and well documented cases in the history of ufology, and to this day many ufo investigators and sceptics are stumped by it. It is all the more impressive due to the fact that there are dozens of witnesses to the event, including police officers and state troopers, and similar events were experienced throughout North America, and even in Wales.

In August, 1955 in Kentucky, the Calloway family were visiting the Suttons in their rural farmhouse, and strange lights and saucer-shaped objects were seen in the sky. The families tried to remain calm, dismissing it as a vivid shooting star until strange noises were heard outside and their dog began a-whimpering. Two men, Billy Ray Taylor and Elmer “lucky” Sutton (inappropriate nickname, given the circumstances), went outside with their rifles before witnessing “luminous, three-and-a-half-foot-tall beings with oversized heads, big, floppy, pointed ears, glowing eyes, and hands with talons at their ends” emerging from the trees. They appeared to float and steer with their arms as their legs were thin and weak. When it began to approach the house with its hands raised, the men took this as threatening behaviour and began shooting at the creature.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I thought putting your arms up was the international (if not interstellar) symbol for peace. And furthermore, these aliens presumably have more advanced technology than us as they managed to travel many light years to earth, so the last thing I would want to do is fuck with them.

Upon shooting them, which sounded like striking metal, the creatures fled and the men followed, only to be accosted by an alien hiding above their porch and grasping at their hair. At this stage, the men decided they’d had enough terror for one night, so both families held up inside the house. The creatures then began to pop up at different windows around the house in what was described as ‘a playful manner’, yet they were shot at anyway. I like to imagine this played out much like an extra-terrestrial version of Whack-a-Mole.

After presumably running out of credits for this hilariously frightening arcade game, they fled to the police station, where they were deemed sane, drug-free, ‘not the type to cause a fuss’ and ‘frightened beyond comprehension’. The police also witnessed weird lights in the sky and a green glow in a forest. The creatures left before dawn.

Sceptics struggle to criticise this story, claiming all they saw was ‘a monkey painted in silver that had escaped from the circus’ or maybe a Great Horned Owl, which to me, just looks like an owl...

All I can say is: “Watch the Skies, man!”

...

The rest of this article will be available on the website. Stay Tuned.